Pilot Script

NAME CHANGES:  Through script Cassandra (and Cass) is now SAMANTHA

     and Darrin Douglas is now Darrin Stephens.




1      ANGLE                                      1
              Once upon a time...

       We discover CASSANDRA, attractively dressed in tailored suit, shopping.

            ...there was a typical American girl...who happened to bump into...

       We literally see her bump into DARRIN.  They are obviously taken with
	   each other although no words are spoken.  She turns for a last glance
	   as she walks away.  He appreciatively sizes her up from the top of her
	   well-groomed head to her tiny toes.

              ...a typical red-blooded American boy.

                                       DISSOLVE TO:

2      CASS                                      2
       is looking closely, examining a mannequin,
       and as she moves around she comes almost
       nose to nose with Darrin examining it from
       the other side.
            And she bumped into him...

                                       DISSOLVE TO:


3      CASS                                       3
       Coming around counter, arms full of packages, she bumps into Darrin
	   again and drops packages.  He helps her pick them up.

           And bumped into him...

                                       DISSOLVE TO:


4      CASS
       coming into revolving door.  Darrin, coming from other direction,
	   without seeing, gets into same section of door with her.  They start
	   all around together and start making another round trip as others
	   wait for opening.

            And bumped into him...

                                       DISSOLVE TO:

5      DARRIN AND CASS                            5
       at the table together, animatedly talking.

           So they decided they'd better sit down 
           and talk this over before they had an

                                       DISSOLVE TO:


6      DARRIN AND CASS                            6 

           They became good friends.

                                       DISSOLVE TO:


7      DARRIN AND CASS                            7 
       kissing in open convertible.

           They found they had a lot of interests 
           in common.

                                       DISSOLVE TO:


8      DARRIN AND CASS                            8


                                       DISSOLVE TO:

9      MED SHOT                                   9
       TV set is on.  Darrin and Cass kissing on couch.


                                       DISSOLVE TO:


10     DARRIN AND CASS                           10
       on grass, kissing.  A transistor radio is announcing used-car sale.


                                       DISSOLVE TO:

11     DARRIN AND CASS                           11
       necking in convertible under bridge.

                                       DISSOLVE TO:


12     DARRIN AND CASS                           12
       on highway in car, waiting as train passes.


       They are kissing.  They hold kiss until
       train passes and horns start honking.

           And when the boy found the girl
           attractive, desirable, irresistible, he 
           did what any red-blooded American boy
           would do.  He asked her to marry him.

                                       DISSOLVE TO:


13     J.P.                                      13
       performing wedding ceremony.

           They had a typical wedding...

                                       DISSOLVE TO:


14     CAR                                       14
       with "Just Married" sign going down highway.

            Went on a typical honeymoon.

                                       DISSOLVE TO:


15     DARRIN                                    15
       --in dressing gown-- is sipping champagne 
       and impatiently watching door.

                                            CUT TO:


16     CASS                                      16
       -- in lovely nightgown -- fixing her hair.

            In a typical bridal suite...

     Cass looks around the room, sees her negligee
     on the bed.  She makes a slight motion.

MUSIC STING.  The negligee flies across the room to her waiting hand.

            It so happens that this girl is a

     Cass is holding back a lock of hair with one hand as she reaches for a
	 hairbrush.  The brush is too far away to reach.  Cass makes another

     MUSIC:  STING.  The brush moves within convenient distance.  She takes
	 it and starts to calmly brush her hair.


                   MAIN TITLE


                                           FADE OUT

NOTE: For ease of typing, the rest of the script is not formatted like the
above opening teaser.  Keep in mind, that the original follows the above
format throughout.

17 CASS is just making final pats to her hair. 17
MUSIC: STING. Curtains flutter and fly. There is a clap of thunder and a more mature witch (MOTHER) materializes before eyes.
CASS: Mother, what are you doing here?
MOTHER: What am I doing here?! What are you doing here?
CASS: I'm married.
MOTHER: I know!...Let you out of my sight for one minute... Well, hold on to me and we'll be home before...
CASS: I don't want to go, Mother.
Mother: I was afraid of that. He's got a spell over you, huh? Those male witches are the worst kind. Now, let's see...
CASS: Mother, he's not a witch.
MOTHER: What?!
CASS: He happens to be, if you'll excuse the expression, a normal, mortal, human being.
MOTHER: Ah, that's easy, then. I'll just have him trip over a rug and break an arm.
CASS: Mother.
MOTHER: Or maybe I'll give him a little stomach-ache. I love when doctors start poking, trying to figure out what it is.
CASS: Mother.
MOTHER: Or maybe I'll turn him into a -
CASS interrupts: Mother, you'll leave him alone - he's a dear, sweet, wonderful, perfectly marvelous man.
MOTHER: My poor baby. He sounds horrible. Now don't worry, dear...I'll get you out of here and -
CASS: I'm not going.
MOTHER: Oh, really - how would you like to spend your wedding night with a bull frog?
CASS: Mother, you wouldn't! - Don't you understand - I'm happy with him.
Mother: Don't talk to your mother like that. I'll tell you when you're happy.
CASS (looking off into space): He's coming in.
Cut to Int. Sitting Room.
18 DARRIN sets down champagne glass and 18
starts toward bedroom door.
Cut To Int. Bedroom
MOTHER: I'll take care of that. (lifts hand)
CASS: Easy, now!
MOTHER: I'm not going to hurt him.
Cut to Int. Lobby
20 DARRIN - walking toward bedroom 20
door - suddenly finds himself in lobby, still walking, and still dressed in pajamas and dressing gown. DESK CLERK looks up, startled. Darrin looks around bewilderedly. Shakes his head.
DARRIN (sheepishly): Must be the champagne.
He starts toward the stairs.
CLERK: Wow - some honeymoon!
Cut to Int. bedroom
21 ANGLE ON CASS fuming. Camera pulls back 21
to reveal MOTHER.
MOTHER: ...A girl with your advantages and bringing up...You were eighteen before you were allowed to stay out after sunrise...Bringing scandal to a fine family name by marrying a normal human being.
Cut to Int. sitting room
22 DARRIN has just come back in. He's 22
still a little bewildered. He looks with distrust at the champagne. Smells the bottle.
Cut to Int. bedroom
MOTHER: He's back again.
She starts to lift her hand. Cass stops her.
CASS: I'll handle it. I don't want my husband walking around the lobby in his pajamas.
She makes hand motion.
CASS: Sorry, darling.
Cut to Int. sitting room
24 DARRIN has put the dangerous champagne into desk, closed desk, then purposefully started toward bedroom door. Only, the sash of his dressing gown has caught in drawer and as he tries to open drawer, it's stuck. He tries to untie sash but the knot won't get undone.
Cut to Int. bedroom
MOTHER (admiringly): Very good.
CASS: I just did that because it's an emergency. I'm through with that sort of thing.
MOTHER (shakes head): What a waste of talent.
CASS (a bit flattered in spite of herself): True.
(then quickly) Mother, you've got to get out of here. Even witchcraft can't keep him out there all night. It's our honeymoon!
Cut to Int. sitting room
26 DARRIN, still at bar, trying to free 26
the sash.
Cut to Int. bedroom
MOTHER:...Do you realize the danger you're in? If you live like one of them for a year..without practicing your trade...you become one of them.
CASS: Exactly...I want nothing more than to be married, be a good housewife and a helpmate to the man I love.
MOTHER: To think I would ever hear my own daughter say a thing like that!
CASS: Mother, you're treating me like a baby!
MOTHER: You are a baby. You've barely learned to fly.
CASS: Well, Darrin and I hadn't planned to do a lot of flying.
There is a withering look from Mother.
Cut to Int. Sitting Room
28 DARRIN still tugging at the sash, 28
finally gets it undone.
Int. bedroom
MOTHER: I don't know where you get it. It must be from your father. Certainly not from MY side of the family.
CASS: Mother, he's coming and you're leaving!
Cass does her characteristic witch twitch and:
CASS: One re or re ickery ann, phillison follosin Nicholas John!
Cass waves her hands in a traditional witch disappearance gesture. Mother doesn't disappear at all. She stands very much in evidence and smiles.
MOTHER: You ARE kidding?
CASS: I've never been so serious in my life!
(starts again) One re or re ickery ann, phillison follison Nicholas John. Queevy quavy english navy stiglam staglam Buck. B-U-C-K spells Buck and out goes you.
Again, Cass waves her hands and Mother just stands there watching her daughter make a fool of herself.
CASS: Please......?
Mother shakes her head, no. Does a gesture toward the door.
Cut to Int. sitting room
30 DARRIN is just lifting hand to knock 30
at door.
Cut to Int. lobby
31 ANGLE 31
There is Darrin, still in position of knocking at door which isn't there. He looks around confusedly, sheepishly avoids clerk's curious stare and starts once again for the stairway.
CLERK: Boy! What a bride he must have!
Cut to Int. bedroom
MOTHER: I'm not leaving until I know you're all right. You're still young and inexperienced, dear. You don't know the prejudice you'll run into. They think witches work only one day a year on Halloween...And that we fly around on brooms. What if he finds out you're a witch?
CASS: I'm going to tell him.
MOTHER (aghast):You're going to TELL him!
CASS: I don't think married people should have secrets from each other.
MOTHER: When are you going to tell him?
CASS: Soon as you leave.
MOTHER: That should solve everything. You'll be back home before you know it.
CASS: You're wrong. I think when two people love each other and have understanding...
She looks around. Mother is gone. She sighs with relief.
CASS: Good.
She starts toward door.
Cut to Int. sitting room.
33 DARRIN is just coming in, still 33 bewildered. Cass opens bedroom door.
DARRIN: The strangest things have been happening. I took one glass of champagne and I found myself...
His voice trails off as his eyes take in the vision of loveliness framed in the doorway. All other thoughts are swept from his mind. She is all his and it's legal. He starts for her.
CASS: Sweetheart...let's sit down and talk.
DARRIN: What!!!
Flip to Int. sitting room
DARRIN: You're a what???!!!
CASS (quickly): I'm a witch!
DARRIN (patronizingly): That's wonderful. We'll talk about it tomorrow.
CASS: Now! I am a witch - a real broom-riding, house-haunting, cauldron-stirring witch.
Darrin thinks this over carefully. He figures it out.
DARRIN: It MUST be the champagne. Now, darling, it's been a hectic day for both of us. This getting married is tougher than it looks.
CASS: Would I say I am a witch if I'm not?
DARRIN: I don't know. I have an aunt who thinks she's a lighthouse (slowly turns head from one side to the other, opening mouth wide as he does so). Whenever it rains she insists on climbing up on the garage roof to warn the sailors.
CASS: How do you know she isn't a lighthouse?
CASS: Maybe you were the one who was looking straight at a lighthouse and thought you were seeing an old lady on a garage roof.
Darrin thinks this over a little and then shakes his head bewilderedly.
DARRIN: Okay, so my aunt is a lighthouse and you're a witch (puts his arm around her). Look, honey we've been married only four hours...we can go see a good doctor...after our honeymoon.
CASS (sadly): You don't believe me.
DARRIN (humoring her): Okay, if you're a witch where's you black hat and broom? And how come you're out when it isn't even Halloween?
CASS: Mother was right...You're prejudiced.
DARRIN: I thought your mother was in India.
CASS: She is, but she dropped in on me this evening.
DARRIN (stage whisper): Is she here now?
DARRIN: Good; I don't care for even an invisible mother-in-law on my honeymoon.
CASS: I guess I'll just have to prove to you that I'm a witch.
Darrin (indulging her): That's a good idea. Why don't you prove it?
CASS: I wasn't going to do any more witchcraft...for your sake.
DARRIN: I'll overlook it this time.
CASS: Of course, I'm not very experienced at it.
DARRIN: Well, you're young yet.
CASS: I can only do little things.
DARRIN: A little thing will be fine (picks up cigarette) Any little old thing (tries to light it with table lighter that won't work) I never yet saw a table lighter that worked...just once I'd like...
She makes hand motion. Miraculously the lighter lights. He looks at it in surprise for a moment, looks suspiciously at her, then dismisses the thought.
DARRIN: Look, honey, we all imagine things. I, myself...
As he is talking he looks for an ashtray on which to put his cigarette. It's across the table, but before he can reach for it, it moves under his cigarette. He snatches up his cigarette, stares at the ashtray for a second and then decides to ignore it.
DARRIN: I, myself, have been imagining...
He flicks the ash of his cigarette toward ashtray. It would miss, except that the ashtray swiftly moves to catch the ash neatly. This he can't ignore. He picks up ashtray and examines it. He flicks ash about 6 inches away from ashtray, which efficiently moves to catch ashes again. He turns his back on ashtray. Then suddenly flicks his ashes diametrically opposite to where the ashtray is. Ashtray swoops around in a ninety-degree semicircle to catch ashes.
DARRIN: I need some air...
He starts for window, but before he can get there the window opens.
DARRIN: I wish I had a drink.
A highball appears in his hand.
DARRIN: An old-fashioned.
The highball is replaced by an old-fashioned.
DARRIN: With a cherry on top.
A cherry appears on top of the old-fashioned. He downs a drink in one swallow. Stares at Cass.
DARRIN: You're a witch!
CASS: That's what I've been trying to tell you.
Darrin, stunned, starts to sit down. He would have ended up on the floor but a chair quickly moves under him.
DARRIN (dully): Thanks.
Cass crosses to him
CASS: Darling, are you all right?
DARRIN: Yes - No - No, I'm not all right.
Cass starts to sit in his lap. He holds up his hand to stop her.
DARRIN: Would you mind moving that ashtray again?
CASS: Do I have to?
DARRIN (firmly): Yes.
Cass makes the ashtray move.
DARRIN (complete acceptance): You're a witch all right.
Cass sits in his lap and snuggles.
CASS: I suppose I shouldn't have married you but...I love you so much Darrin.
DARRIN: I love you too, but I hadn't figured on this.
CASS: I'll make you a good wife, Darrin...I promise.
DARRIN: This is not something like somebody who just thinks she's a lighthouse.
CASS: And you've got to take into consideration that I'm not one of those...(waves arms)...big, important witches who cause typhoons and things. I'm just a...(moves her hands together to show how small)...little witch.
DARRIN: Maybe we should go see a marriage counselor.
Cass holds him close.
CASS: I love you so much, Darrin.
She snuggles even closer. He's now becoming aware that he has a lovely girl wearing a negligee in his arms and it's getting to him. She kisses him.
DARRIN: We've got to figure this out.
This time, he kisses her, long, languorously. Comes up for air.
DARRIN ...later.
Bends her back in passionate kiss, as we PULL BACK through window to reveal a cat moving along the window ledge high above the city. It meows.

Int. bar - Day
35 DARRIN is at bar with his friend, DAVE. 35
DAVE: And if you can't talk to your best friend, who can you talk to? I know all about marriage...That's why I'm a bachelor.
DARRIN: Well, here's my problem, Dave.
DAVE: The Sea of Matrimony is beset with hidden shoals and reefs.
DARRIN: I found out that Cassandra is a witch.
DAVE: And it takes tolerance and understanding to find the channel of true love.
Neither really hears the other as they're both off on their own tangents.
DARRIN: I didn't believe it at first, until she started to move things around.
DAVE: Marriage is a partnership where two people, side by side, face life's obstacles together.
DARRIN: I can't tell my family...
DAVE: And when two people love each other, really love each other, it will work out.
DARRIN: They got enough trouble getting my aunt off the garage roof whenever it's raining.
DAVE: Adjustment...that's the foundation on which every lasting marriage is built...adjust.
DARRIN: Of course, there might be certain advantages...like if you want a drink in a dry state.
DAVE (consults watch): Well, I've got to go (slaps Darrin on back) Look, if you ever need any help or advice again, feel free to call me.
DARRIN: Thanks (sits glumly as Dave exits).
Dissolve to Int. Doctor's Office - Day
36 DARRIN is sitting facing Doctor's desk. 36
DARRIN: Doc, you and I have been friends for a long time. I don't know whether you can help, but I just had to bring this problem to you.
DOCTOR (calmly): Darrin - that's what I'm here for. Just tell me what's bothering you.
DARRIN: I'm married to a witch - a real, live, house-haunting, broom-riding, cauldron-stirring, card-carrying witch.
There is a pause.
DOCTOR: Very simple problem...now that you've had your honeymoon, why don't you take a vacation
(writes prescription) Take these three times a day and get plenty of rest.
Int. bar - Day
37 DARRIN is now sitting there alone. He 37
has obviously had a couple of drinks. BARTENDER wordlessly points to Darrin's glass. Darrin nods. Bartender refills glass.
DARRIN: Al...my wife is a witch.
BARTENDER: You should see my wife.
Dissolve to Int. living room - Night
He is pacing floor. She is sitting quietly in the corner of a couch before the fire, watching his every move, hanging on every word.
DARRIN: And I've gone over it and over it in my mind and I've come to a decision...
He turns to face her. She waits breathlessly.
DARRIN: I love you and I can't give you up.
She flings herself into his arms happily.
CASS: Oh, darling, darling...I'll be the best wife any man ever had.
DARRIN (holds her off) Now wait...we're going to live a normal life...(sits down) You're not to...Miraculously the hassock comes under his feet.
DARRIN: Cut that out!
CASS: I'm sorry, dear. I forgot myself.
DARRIN: No more witchcraft. You promise?
CASS: I Promise.
DARRIN: It's not going to be easy. It's tough enough to be married to an advertising man if you're normal. You'll have to learn to be a suburban housewife.
CASS (eagerly): I'll learn...you'll see...I'll learn.
DARRIN: You'll have to learn to cook...(Cass nods agreeably)...keep house (she nods)...go to my mother's for diner every Friday night...(she nods)...entertain clients...(she nods)..and spend quiet evenings watching TV and pasting trading stamps into books.
CASS: Sounds wonderful, dear, we'll be just like everybody else...and after we're settled, maybe my mother could come to visit for a....(she trails off as she sees the startled look on his face) Maybe we'd better work up to that gradually. Oh, darling, I'll try...I promise I'll try.
He puts his arm around her fondly.
DARRIN: I'm glad that's settled. Let's drink to it.
CASS: An old fashioned?
DARRIN: With a cherry on top.
She starts to make a motion with her hand. Stopped at his glare.
CASS (happily): I'll make it all by myself.
Throws a kiss at him and exits. Darrin is lost in thought.
DARRIN: We'll work it out some way...so my wife is a witch...(looks directly into camera) Every married man has to make some adjustments. (Nobody's perfect)

Fade In:
Int. Kitchen - Day
39 Close shot - sink full of dirty dishes. 39
40 CLOSE SHOT - Disordered array of 40
ingredients for cake.
41 CLOSE SHOT - two opened eggs on plate, 41
behind which is a book propped open at page reading: "Angel Food cake separate the yolks from the whites of two eggs..."
We see a spoon come into shot trying to separate the white from the yolk, unsuccessfully, of course, because the white keeps oozing back. Then the spoon tries to pick up the yolk. It breaks, mixing with the white. CAMERA PULLS BACK to reveal Cass in a very disordered kitchen. Her hair is disheveled, her demeanor rather desperate. She puts the eggs into the mixture under a mixmaster and turns the switch. The entire concoction whirls around, spraying her and the room. Cass gives up.
CASS (wails): Mother!
Mother appears. She peers into bowl.
MOTHER: That's an interesting brew. What does it do?
CASS: I was trying to bake a cake. Mother, I don't know how I'm going to manage. I've got to do the dishes, clean the kitchen, vacuum and dust, make the beds, shop and then prepare dinner.
MOTHER: Tsk...tsk...How did a nice witch like you get into a spot like this?
Phone rings. Mother squeals in surprise.
MOTHER: What's that?
CASS (wearily): The phone again. It's been ringing all morning with people trying to sell me encyclopedias and roofing for the house.
MOTHER (eagerly): Can I answer it?
CASS: Go ahead.
Cass starts to put dishes in sink while Mother picks up phone.
MOTHER (in phone): Hello? (to Cass) Somebody wants to know when the Revolutionary War was fought.
CASS: Oh Mother...! (takes phone from Mother and speaks into it) I beg your pardon? (hands phone back to Mother in surprise) You're right.
MOTHER (in phone): Which Revolutionary War were you referring to honey? I've seen them all...Oh, that one...Let's see...that's when Salem was THE place to live...oh, yes...that was in 1776...Of course I'm right, I was there...Oh, isn't that sweet...(to Cass) He says I just won four free Bossa Nova lessons....(in phone) That's very kind of you, honey, and since you're so sweet, I'll teach you a dance in exchange...we've got to wait for a full moon...and then if you get a cauldron and grind up some bats and - (to Cass) He hung up.
Cass meanwhile has finished stacking dishes in dishwasher. Only she simply stacks them instead of putting them in the racks.
MOTHER: What's that?
CASS: It washes dishes.
MOTHER: Imagine! Do you know the right words?
CASS(reading directions): You don't use words...you just press this button.
She presses the button and through glass door we can see the jets of water and agitator smashing dishes to smithereens.
MOTHER: Unbelievable...And a great improvement over those complicated incantations.
CASS: Mother, if you could help me instead of...
MOTHER: Okay, okay...
She walks out of shot. Cass, in cleaning up, notices electric can opener. She studies it, puts a can in, presses button and then looks at opened can, awed.
CASS: What do you know!
She turns to Mother. But Mother isn't there. Concerned, Cass goes into living room looking for her.
Revised pages--29 thru 34
December 2, 1963

Int. Living Room
42 ANGLE 42
Mother is serenely resting on couch thumbing through Science Fiction magazine while the vacuum cleaner is working by itself and a dustcloth, untouched by human hands, is dusting.
CASS: Mother, stop that.
With a wave of her hand, Mother does.
MOTHER: You wanted me to help.
CASS: I told you. I intend to be a good wife and housekeeper without ever again resorting to witchcraft.
MOTHER: Offhand, I'd say that's impossible. (gets up - tosses magazine on chair) I'm in the middle of a story about a mad doctor who has an invention that counteracts the law of gravity...And they're chasing him across a ceiling...so he opens a skylight and they all fall UP.
CASS: Mother, we've got work to do.
MOTHER (climbing down): Where do writers GET those cockamamie ideas?


Ext. Darrin's outer office
49 Angle on door reading "McMann AND TATE, 49
ADVERTISING, Darrin Stephens, vice-pres." Sheila comes into SHOT and opens door.
Int. Darrin's Outer Office
49A Secretary looks up as Sheila enters 49A
SECRETARY: Oh, Miss Sommers! I'm afraid Mr. Stephens is still all tied up, and --
SHEILA: Don't give it a thought, Helen. I know he'll be glad to see me. I'll just dash in for a moment.
Secretary rises to protest but Sheila has already opened the door to Darrin's inner office and is exiting.
Int. Darrins Office
50 ANGLE Sheila enters. Darrin scrambles 50
to his feet.
SHEILA: Darrin!
DARRIN (not too sure of the reception he will receive): Sheila!
He laughs nervously, tries to pretend nothing is wrong, offers his hand stiffly. She ignores it and plants a kiss on his mouth.
SHEILA: Darling, I just got back from Nassau yesterday. I've been trying to reach you. I left a message with your secretary. When I didn't hear from you, I decided to invade your office. Why didn't you call me?
DARRIN: Well, Sheila...uh...you see...I just got back from...actually I..well...I was...I mean I am...that's some tan you've got there.
SHEILA: Thank you, sweetheart. But why didn't you...
DARRIN (takes a deep breath and plunges): I'm married!
SHEILA: I know, dearest! Congratulations.
DARRIN (numb): Thank you. (she's smiling) Don't you care?
SHEILA (warmly): Oh, sweetheart. Care? Of course I care. After all, if I hadn't left for Nassau when I did, it might have been me. But no hard feelings, you sneak. I couldn't be happier for you. I'm sure she's an angel.
Darrin reacts.
SHEILA: Darling, I stopped by to ask the two of you to drop over tonight if you hadn't any other plans. A few of the gang are coming over for pot-luck...nothing fancy...very relaxed. Sitting-on-the-floor kind of stuff.
DARRIN: Well, that's very nice of you, Sheila. But, I don't know.
SHEILA: Darrin, I don't understand.
DARRIN: Well...it's just that it might be too soon to spring a whole new set of people on her. She's not quite used to...
SHEILA: Too soon? Don't be silly. Darrin, we're your friends. We are dying to meet her. That is...unless YOU'D be uncomfortable...
DARRIN: ME? Not at all.
SHEILA: Fine. It's all set, then. Seven Thirty tonight. I've got to dash. see you later.
Sheila leaves and he is happy.
Int. Kitchen Day
Every dish is in smithereens.
MOTHER'S VOICE: They're clean, all right. Now how do you get them back together again?
CAMERA PULLS BACK, REVEALS Mother and Cass staring into dishwasher, the latter very sadly. The kitchen is a mess. Cass starts to sob.
CASS: Everything's going wrong. I'll never learn.
Buries her head on Mother's shoulder.
MOTHER (sympathetically): Dishwashers...women's clubs...freeways...I'd be frightened to death, too. This normal world is crazy.
Sound: phone rings.
MOTHER (starts for phone) That must be that nice man who wants to teach me the Bossa Nova...
CASS (stops her): I'd better get it...
Cass crosses to phone.
CASS (on phone): Hello...
MOTHER: Ask him if I can bring a friend.
Cass puts hand over mouthpiece.
CASS: It's my husband...(happily) I won't have to make dinner tonight!
During following phone conversation, Mother wanders over to electric waxer. Curiously she handles it. It goes on as she accidentally touches button. She jumps away but the waxer keeps following her. She tries to reach over and turn it off but it keeps attacking. In desperation, she makes magical move with her hand and the waxer stops. She makes another move of her hand and it retires to corner. One more angry move and it obediently lies down. Mother gives the defeated waxer a triumphant "that'll show you" look.
Int. Darrin's Office
52 Darrin, on phone 52
DARRIN: ...and she asked us to drop over for a potluck supper with a few of my old chums...it's just sort of a last minute thing - wear something casual. Hmm? Oh, she's just an old friend.
Int. Kitchen
CASS: How old?
DARRIN'S VOICE: Well, Sheila and I were...were...FRIENDS.
CASS: You mean like you went fishing with her and played poker with her and...
DARIN'S VOICE (laughs): No...not Sheila. Sheila's more the indoor type.
CASS: What!
DARRIN'S VOICE (hastily): Darling, it's...well, nothing. Don't worry, you'll enjoy yourself tonight.
CASS: All right, dear. I'll be ready. Good-bye. (hangs up phone).
Ext. Sheila's Home Night
Car drives up. It's rather an imposing-looking house. Darrin and Cass get out and approach door. Cass is dressed in simple skirt and blouse with hair tied in back, and flats.
CASS: My, it's a pretty fancy looking house.
DARRIN (starts to press doorbell; stops): Now Cass, I want you to promise...No tricks.
CASS: Darling, I told you I'm not...
DARRIN: Promise.
CASS: Scout's honor.
She raises her right hand with fingers crossed.
DARRIN: Not that way.
He uncrosses her fingers and puts the thumb and little finger in scout's salute. He presses doorbell.
DARRIN: This will be a good opportunity to start learning to fit into a normal life...a casual little get-together with friends.
Door is opened by butler who stands aside. Cass is transfixed with one hand still held up in scout salute, until Darrin nudges her and they enter foyer.
Int. Entry Hall - Night
They stop dead as they see drawing room of impeccably dressed guests having cocktails.
as she comes forward to greet them. She is beautifully dresses, perfectly coiffured, assured...the type any woman can hate.
She throws her arms around Darrin and gives him a very warm kiss. Cass watches. This is a little too affectionate for the casual friendship Darrin described.
SHEILA: And this is your little bride?
She takes Cass's hand.
CASS: How do you do.
SHEILA: Oh, Darrin, she's SWEET.
CASS (uncomfortably): I guess I should have dressed more...
SHEILA: Not at all, dear. You look...sweet. I can tell you're the type that always dresses so..so..so SENSIBLY...you know - the capable type. Darrin, I'll bet she's good at typing, cooking and taking care of the household accounts and playing golf and all those things poor little me can't do at all.
Cass opens her mouth to answer but Sheila continues.
SHEILA: Won't you come in and meet my friends?
She precedes them into the living room. Darrin speaks through the side of his mouth to Cass.
DARRIN: Sweetheart, I think you're being jobbed. Want to get a sudden headache and leave?
CASS (through clenched teeth): I will not.
She forces a smile as she walks into the living room.
SHEILA: Folks, I want you to meet Darrin's little bride.
They all, including Darrin, turn toward Cass who tries to make a brave little smile but would much rather disappear through the floor.
Int. Dining Room - Night
They are all around table. Darrin is sitting on Sheila's right and she has him monopolized in intimate conversation. Cass is at the foot of the table next to conversation. Cass is at the foot of the table next to a portly middle-aged man more interested in his food than anything else. Cass looks uncomfortably lonely.
DARRIN: Are you all right dear?
CASS: Fine, fine..thank you.
SHEILA: Now don't worry about Cassandra. Since she's a stranger, we're going to help her. Now first dear, we'll have to get you a GOOD dressmaker.
CASS: But I don't need...
SHEILA: And then we'll introduce you to Pierre. He does wonders with hard-to-manage hair...Incidentally, we must have met somewhere before...Newport?
Cass shakes her head.
SHEILA: The Riviera? (sudden idea) The Debutantes Ball! When did you come out?
(WEB NOTE: Cass' name is typed SAM from here to page 48 of script, then pages 49 and 50 say Cass.)

SAM: Three weeks ago
All look at her in amazement.
DARRIN (nastily): She means she came out of NEW YORK three weeks ago. She's been traveling with her parents.
SHEILA: Talking about traveling...do you remember the time, Darrin, we ran into each other in Paris and you...
She whispers something obviously wickedly amusing in Darrin's ear. Sam angrily starts making gestures with her hand and a plate of soup starts to slide toward Sheila. Sam thinks better of it, stops in mid-motion and soup plate stops sliding. Sam turns to see if her dinner companion has noticed.
MAN: Good soup.
SAM: Yes, it is.
MAN: Sheila always looks so beautiful. Never a hair out of place. Wonderful girl. Nothing she can't do. Did you know she owns her own plane?
SAM: Oh?
MAN: Do you fly?
SAM: Oh yes.
MAN: How long have you been at it?
SAM: Ever since I was a little girl.
MAN: Remarkable!
Woman is speaking to Darrin.
WOMAN: Darrin, only last night, at dinner, Harry was telling me that you were the brightest young prospect in the agency business - real Madison Avenue know-how.
DARRIN: That's nice to hear, Mr. Rutherford.
They continue en sotto as Sheila takes advantage of his distraction with:
57B SHEILA: Do you know Dr. Hafter, dear? Samantha!
SAM: I beg your pardon?
SHEILA: Dr. Hafter...Do you know him?...the plastic surgeon...does the beautiful nose work.
SAM: I don't know him.
SHEILA: Funny...I could have sworn...oh well...
She goes back to talking to Darrin.
clenched tightly in her lap
SAM (half to herself): I won't do it...I promised Darrin....I won't do it...I won't do it.
MAN: You won't do what?
SAM: I won't...
Her attention is caught by Sheila who has started an animated conversation with Darrin.
SHEILA: Do you remember that delightful time we had with the countess at Maxim's? (Darrin nods dully) You know, of course, she finally married that darling man you introduced her to. What was his name? The last I heard they were involved in the most delicious scandal...
Sheila leans close to Darrin and whispers naughtily. Sam looks at the chatty couple with a smile.
59 SAM 59
SAM: Maybe I will.
Sam makes a slight hand move at her shoulder. And as Sheila straightens to go on with her conversation:
SHEILA: Oh, and the tennis matches...start in East Hampton...(hair falls in face, she pushes it back - irritated) on Saturday so I thought we could get the same group we had last...(hair falls again) year. My house is open and we could make a weekend of it.
60 SAM 60
as she smiles demurely and makes a hand motion to her nose.
Sheila is breezing along in spite of irritations.
SHEILA: Wouldn't that be divine...(hair falls again) I hope the weather will be good...I'd love...(her nose suddenly itches - she twitches it as she continues)...to have another one of those divine clambakes. (another twitch. He picks up on it).
Sheila can stand it no longer, especially with Darrin twitching along with her. She grabs a napkin and has a desperate and very unladylike nose scratch behind it. Covering it with a smile she turns to her soup.
WOMAN (says to Darrin): We'd so like to have you and Samantha for dinner next week. If Tuesday is good for you and Samantha, Harry's having Mr. Donahue of Donahue and Thomas over for dinner. I thought it might be a good opportunity for you two to meet.
Sheila waits patiently and then jumps in with:
SHEILA: I'll never forget how cozy it was sitting by the fire. (she smiles wickedly - we see a piece of watercress caught on a tooth, blacking it out) How the others slipped away... Darrin, embarrassed, tries to tell her what's wrong by working his mouth, as if dislodging something from his own tooth)
SHEILA (continuing:...without our noticing...
She realizes, pauses, trying to maintain her composure. Takes napkin, places it to her mouth and does the necessary digging behind it)
SHEILA (continuing)...is still beyond me.
She laughs raucously and turns to her salad, daintily takes a nibble and turns to Darrin - fully composed and assured...except there is a lettuce leaf oily perched on her chin.
SHEILA(continuing; radiant) And, darling, wasn't that sunrise...magnificent.
Sam looks on bewildered by her perseverance. As Sheila starts to put her elbow on the table so she can get even closer to Darrin, the soup bowl slides under her arm so her elbow ends up in the soup. Darrin tries to help her with his napkin.
SHEILA: You know Gregory the painter? (he nods) Well, don't plan to be home early for dinner Wednesday night. Gregory's asking a few close friends in to see his new paintings and you must come with me to tell me what to buy. I'll pick you up at your office at six.
As Sheila reaches the end of the sentence she sneezes one huge sneeze right into her soup bowl. EVERYTHING HAPPENS AT ONCE. The soup goes all over the table, her hair falls, both straps go, and her zipper breaks. She's furious.
SHEILA (continuing): My zipper!!!
The MAID, holding an empty platter, tries to help. Suddenly a plate of cooked food (beets and carrots) slides onto Sheila's lap.
SHEILA (continuing shrieks): What are you doing???!!!
MAID (bewildered): I don't know. I thought I was carrying an empty tray.
Sheila, holding her hair with one hand and zipper with the other, starts to hurry out. Her heel catches in the rug and breaks off.
SHEILA: My heel!!!
As she limps toward the hall she drops her bracelet. Darrin rises, picks up bracelet and heel and goes to help her with zipper. As he starts to touch her he gets an invisible kick in the pants, which stops him. Suddenly the front door is blown open and a gigantic blast of wind hits Sheila. Her clothes are whipped madly about her and much to her horror her wig is ripped off her head. She bursts into tears of fury and frustration and dashes up the stairs. Everyone in the room is in a state of shock, except Sam.
62 SAM 62
She is sympathetically batting her innocent eyes.
SAM (to man): The soup IS wonderful...I'll just HAVE to get the recipe.
Scenes 63 and 64 OMITTED

Fade In:
Int. Kitchen - Night
65 ANGLE 65
Cass is there looking around disconcertedly. It is in the same mess she left it and she doesn't know where to start. Darrin comes in wearing dressing gown. From behind, he puts his arms around her waist.
DARRIN: I'm sorry things went wrong at Sheila's.
CASS: Yes - she's a little hysterical, isn't she?
DARRIN: Sam, wouldn't it have been easier to go to that Italian restaurant?
Cass: Why should you think that I --
DARRIN: Never mind. She sure had it coming. Incidentally, honey, you looked wonderful and outside of Sheila, I think you made a big hit with everyone.
CASS: Thank you, darling.
DARRIN: People like you for your normal self, so no more of that - (makes a motion with his hand) - stuff. Tonight it's finished. Right?
CASS: Right. I'm never going to do it again.
DARRIN: That's my girl...(nuzzles her frequently) Why don't we get out of this kitchen?
CASS: I've just GOT to get it straightened up first.
DARRIN (whispers into her hair): Hurry.
He exits. Cass determinedly makes start at dishes. The first one slips out of her hand. She gives up.
CASS: Oh, well...
She makes a motion with her hand. Kitchen is immediately cleaned up, with dishes stacked and everything in it's place.
CASS: Maybe I can taper off.
DARRIN'S VOICE: Sweetheart...
CASS: Coming, darling.
                                           FADE OUT

                     THE END

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