SAM IN THE MOON FADE IN: INT. STEPHENS LIVING ROOM - CLOSE DARRIN - DAY 1 Darrin is seated in front of the TV set, hunched 1 forward, his elbows on his knees, utterly rapt. He wears slacks and a sport shirt. On the TV set is a stock photo of the surface of the moon. We hear the voice of the newscaster. NEWSCASTER'S VOICE Ladies and gentlemen, this photograph of the moon's surface was taken two months ago by a camera aboard an unmanned space capsule. Today, space technicians at the Cape are hopeful that this view of the moon, and even closer ones will be seen for, the first time by human eyes....... As the newscaster speaks, we hear the sound of a vacuum cleaner being turned on. The TV reception goes bad. Darrin looks up, annoyed, to see SAM enter from the dining room, vacuuming the rug. DARRIN (loud-over noise) Sam, not now. It's the moon probe. SAMANTHA (can't hear) What? DARRIN (louder) When you turn the vacuum on, the set goes flooey.... (Sam turns off vacuum-still yelling) I can't see. (normal tone) I can't see. Can't you vacuum later? He fiddles with the dials on the TV set, trying to get the picture back. SAMANTHA Darling, I've been trying for weeks to give this house a thorough cleaning. These carpets are filthy. DARRIN How can you worry about dirt on the rugs when we're about to see the surface of the moon? SAMANTHA The moon could use a vacuuming too. All that dust .... yych. Darrin gets the picture back. It is now a chart of the moon and the orbit of the space vehicle. He moves to Sam. NEWSCASTER'S VOICE We have just received word from the Cape that the orbit and attitude of the space capsule are just perfect. In a matter of hours, astronauts aboard the space craft will see the closest view of the moon ever seen by the naked eye, thus bringing closer the day when men will actually land on the moon. DARRIN Honey, why don't you forget about the house for a while and watch this with me? It's fascinating ... even for a pretty sophisticated witch like you. SAMANTHA I'd like to, but..... DARRIN It's like having a ring-side seat for the discovery of America. Aren't you interested? SAMANTHA Certainly I am. But it's the same elliptical orbit isn't it? Except this time the pilots themselves will see the mile high dust drifts and the lunar craters. Right now, I'm more interested in getting the refrigerator defrosted, the inside of the stove scrubbed out, the attic cleaned, and the rugs vacuumed. (kisses him lightly on, the cheek) Anyway, I've seen the moon. She exits to the kitchen. Darrin shakes his head at Sam's disinterest, starts to move back to the TV set. He suddenly stops, realizing what Sam has said. DARRIN (to himself) Seen the moon? (shakes his head) naw ... it's impossible..... (beat) with her, nothing's impossible.... He exits quickly into the kitchen. 3 INT. KITCHEN - DAY 2 Samantha has begun to take things out of the refrigerator, 2 preparatory to defrosting it. As Darrin enters. DARRIN (tentative) Sam ... I'd like to ask you something.... SAMANTHA I won't vacuum til later, okay? DARRIN Sure. Fine. Now, this may sound a little funny.... SAMANTHA (gesturing to drain-board) Would you mind clearing those things away so I'll have some room? Darrin begins putting away clean dishes in a dishrack on the drain board while Sam begins to stack refrigerator items on the board. DARRIN You know I don't approve of husbands who want to know everything their wives did before they were married. What did you do as a young, single witch doesn't interest me in the least.... SAMANTHA (not paying too much attention) That's nice. (hands him a jar of something) Do you think this is still good? It's been in there for a week. DARRIN (sniffing it) Smells all right to me. But in a matter like this....of ... well..national importance, I think I have a right to know...... Sam is now struggling with an ice tray which is stuck to the bottom of the freezer compartment. She can't get it loose. DARRIN (continued) I mean, ordinarily I wouldn't care. What difference does it make to me personally whether you've been there or not..but we ARE in a race, and it'll mean a great deal of prestige to the country that gets there first ..... 4 2 CONTINUED: 2 SAMANTHA (exasperated with the icetray) Darrin, help me. It's stuck. He begins tugging on the ice-tray. DARRIN So, what I want to know is .... (the tray comes loose, Darrin falls backward with it) Have you ever been to the moon? SAMANTHA (not sure she's heard right) What? DARRIN Have you ever been to the moon? I mean ... with a spell or something? SAMANTHA Is that what you wanted to ask me? DARRIN Yes. Have you? SAMANTHA (utterly ridiculous) Darrin, really ... I'm trying to clean the house..... She goes back to taking things out of the refrigerator. DARRIN (louder) This is more important than cleaning the house. SAMANTHA (turns-putting him on) Well, if you put it that way. Of course I've been to the moon ... All of us witches used to go every fourth Sunday, except for February which sometimes doesn't have a fourth Sunday. Of course we wouldn't go when there was a new moon, because then it was too hard to find. But when there was a full moon or even a half moon, we used to go all the time ... just like mortals go on a picnic. She turns back to the refrigerator, doesn't see that Darrin is staring at her goggle-eyed. 5 2 CONTINUED: 2 DARRIN (softly-to himself) Holy mackerel. SAMANTHA Darling, I'll make you a deal. I won't interfere with your moon-watching, if you'll get out of the kitchen and let me work. DARRIN (nods) I ... uh ... think I'll take a walk.... maybe drop in on Larry Tate ... get out of your hair. SAMANTHA Good. Have fun. She moves to him, kisses him lightly. He still looks stunned, turns and exits. INT. LIVINGROOM 3 As Darrin enters, moves to the front door. He stops 3 in front of the TV set on which the photo of the moon is again showing. NEWSCASTER'S VOICE With the evidence of this and future space voyages, we may be closer than we think to actually shooting a man to the moon. DARRIN (seriously worried) I could save them the trip. He exits. FADE OUT: ACT ONE 6 FADE -IN: INT. STEPHENS KITCHEN - DAY 4 A few minutes have elapsed. All the food has been removed 4 from the refrigerator, and Sam now has her head in the box scrubbing the walls. She comes out with a sponge and bowl which she empties into the sink, disappears into the refrigerator again. ENDORA POPS IN, at the breakfast table. ENDORA Really, Samantha this is most discouraging. It's getting harder and harder to tell the difference between you and an ordinary household drudge. Sam comes out of the refrigerator, empties the bowl again. SAMANTHA (smiling) Well, Mother, if you insist on popping in unannounced, you'll just have to take me as I am, housemaid's knee and all. ENDORA (over-dramatically) I must say I can't see where I went wrong. I brought you up as a proper witch, taught you the best incantations ... and here you are married to a mortal, down on your knees doing the most menial tasks ... a fallen woman. SAMANTHA All right, mother, out with it. What's on your mind? ENDORA (brightly) I want you to come shopping with me. SAMANTHA (beat) Is that what-all this has been about? This whole act? To get me to come shopping with you? ENDORA (matter of fact) Well, if I'd simply invited you, you would have refused. 4 CONTINUED: 4 SAMANTHA You know, this has been the strangest morning. First Darrin starts asking ridiculous questions and then you pop in like Lady Macbeth doing the neglected mother bit. ENDORA Come, darling. Change your clothes and we'll have a lovely time. There are just a few things I need, and then we can have lunch at a charming little tea-shop I know. SAMANTHA I'd like to, mother, but I really can't. Tabatha's asleep. ENDORA I know. I've already installed Hagatha upstairs to babysit. SAMANTHA But I have to clean the house. ENDORA Then clean it ... properly..... She raises her hands to cast a spell. SAMANTHA No. I'll do it without witchcraft. ENDORA Good. A compromise. I'll let you clean the house like a drudge, but you'll do it after you come shopping with me. SAMANTHA (softening) All right. But we can't be gone more than two hours .... promise? ENDORA Marvelous. She gestures and changes from her witches robes to a smart afternoon suit. ENDORA (continued) You'd better change too, dear. Slacks aren't quite right for where we're going. 8 CONTINUED: 4 SAMANTHA All right. Sam gestures and appears immediately in an attractive dress. SAMANTHA (continued) Wait a minute. Where are we going? It's Sunday. All the stores are closed. ENDORA Not where I'm taking you. Follow me. She POPS OUT. Sam shrugs, POPS OUT also. FLIP TO: EXT. GINZA - TOKYO (STOCK) DAY 5 The busy thoroughfare, lined with shops. Hold to 5 establish. INT. JAPANESE HERBALIST'S SHOP - DAY 6 Just a counter, signs in Japanese, and a number of 6 bottles of herbs along the walls. An elderly Japanese man with a wisp of a goatee stands behind the counter. ENDORA AND SAM POP IN full view of the owner. SAMANTHA (angry) Mother, for heaven s sake. Why didn't you tell me you were going to Tokyo? I'll never trust you again. ENDORA (bland) Darling, you said yourself the shops were all closed back home. Here it isn't Sunday. We've crossed the International Date Line. (to the proprietor making a slight Japanese style bow) Ohio gozaimas, Watanabe-san. WATANABE (the Herbalist-also bowing) Ohio gozaimas-su, Endora-san. I am so happy to see you again. ENDORA This is my daughter, Samantha. 9 6 CONTINUED: 6 SAMANTHA How do you do. WATANABE I am honored to make your acquaintance, Samantha-san. Your mother and I have been long time friends. ENDORA We've come for some of your marvelous Warlock's tea. WATANABE Of course. Just a moment. I keep it in back for my ... special customers. (he exits to back of store) SAMANTHA (to Endora) He's a warlock? ENDORA Tokyo chapter. And his tea is absolutely out of this world. After this, I'll take you to the most marvelous restaurant.... FLIP TO: INT. LARRY TATE'S DEN DAY 7 Larry Tate, in slacks and sport shirt is relaxed on 7 the couch watching television, not the moon shot, but a sportscast of a golf tournament (stock). Darrin is pacing up and down the room. TATE Wow! Pin high in two. He's going to be putting for an eagle. (to Darrin, annoyed) Darrin, will you sit down and relax. It's Sunday. DARRIN Are you sure you don't want to watch the moon shot? TATE Look, you've got a television set at your house. You want to watch the moon shot, be my guest. Here we watch golf. DARRIN Larry, I want to ask you something. CONTINUED: 7 LARRY Is it more important than Jack Nicklaus getting an eagle on a five hundred and fifty yard five par? DARRIN What do you think about the moon? LARRY I think it's very nice. (re the TV) Easy now, stroke it easy. You've got a down hill lie. DARRIN I mean about getting there. LARRY (groans) An inch. He missed by an inch. DARRIN Now, can we look at the moon shot? LARRY (beat-looks at Darrin) You really want to know what I think? Okay. I think the moon is very important, but I wish they'd stop spending my money trying to get there. DARRIN Come, on, Larry, be serious. LARRY I am serious. Do you realize how much my tax bill is going to be this year? And here they are spending billions of dollars to get to a place where they're going to find.... DARRIN Mile high dust drifts and lunar craters. LARRY Right. And you not only want me to approve of the project, but you want me to actually watch them throwing away my money? Not a chance. DARRIN Larry ... what if someone knew a way to save some of that money? 7 CONTINUED: 7 LARRY (going right on) Look, don't get me wrong. If they could just say alicazam, snap their fingers and get there, I'd be all for it.... DARRIN (to himself) Well, that's close ... LARRY What? DARRIN Nothing. LARRY But when they're spending billions on car-fare .... one way, I say forget it. DARRIN Larry, I know this is going to sound ridiculous, but just suppose that someone knew a way of getting to the moon without spending all that money .... what do you think he ought to do? Larry is now looking at him peculiarly. LARRY Ridiculous? Not at all, Darrin - boy. I think he should go right down to the authorities and tell them what he knows. I think it's his patriotic duty. DARRIN That's what I was afraid you'd say.... LARRY But before he does that, do you know what I think he should do? I think he should go home, take a good stiff drink, and a couple of aspirin and try to get some sleep. DARRIN (realizes) how silly this is sounding) Larry, it was just a hypothetical question. 12 7 CONTINUED: 7 LARRY Of course it was. And furthermore, I don't think this person should come to work tomorrow.... (louder) until he's gotten all this stupid nonsense out of his skull. DARRIN (trying to get out of it) Well.....really got a rise out of you, didn't I? Heh, heh. Just putting you on, you know. Well, guess I'll be going...see you at the office. He has begun backing up toward the door. LARRY (softly) Darrin? DARRIN What? LARRY (gesturing to the door Darrin is opening) That's the closet. FLIP TO: INT. STEPHENS LIVING ROOM - DAY 8 Sam and Endora POP IN, each carrying a few packages, 8 Endora, sets hers down on the living room coffee table. ENDORA (pleased with herself) There. Now you can't say that wasn't pleasant. Nothing like a little trip to Japan to break up the morning. (begins to unwrap one of the packages) Now, let's relax and have a cup of this marvelous warlock's tea. SAMANTHA (annoyed) Mother, you're incorrigible. I told you I couldn't take more than two hours, and we've been gone four. Now you want me to sit down and drink tea. 13 8 CONTINUED: 8 ENDORA Samantha, this business of counting minutes is really most unbecoming. What difference does it make? We had fun, didn't we? SAMANTHA What am I going to tell Darrin. I was supposed to have the house cleaned. ENDORA Tell him our rick-shaw got caught in a traffic jam. SAMANTHA I don't even want to tell him I've been to Japan. ENDORA Then don't. Do you have to give him a schedule of where you've been every day, minute by minute? SAMANTHA Of course not, but I wanted to have the house finished so we could relax this afternoon. (looks around the room, sighs) If I don't get started cleaning, I'll never finish. Mother, you're welcome to stay. She gestures, turns back into her housecleaning outfit. ENDORA And watch you do battle with grease and grime? No thank you. It's too depressing. She picks up her packages. ENDORA (continued) Ta ta, darling. Enjoy your tea. She gestures with her free hand and POPS OUT. Sam rolls up her sleeves and exits toward the kitchen. QUICK DISSOLVE: 14 INT. STEPHENS KITCHEN - DAY 9 Sam is in the process of putting the last things back 9 in the refrigerator. She closes the door, stands and thinks. SAMANTHA (to herself) Now the vacuuming and the attic. She exits quickly into the living room. INT. LIVING ROOM 10 As Sam enters. She moves to the vacuum cleaner which 10 is still on the floor, looks at her watch. SAMANTHA I'll never make it. (she looks at the vacuum cleaner) Vacuum cleaner, I've got a problem. I can spend four hours pushing you around and cleaning out the attic, in which case I won't have any time to spend with Darrin...or .... I can.... (shrugs meaningfully) you know ... get it all done in a flash and relax for the rest of the afternoon with my husband. What do you think? Should I or shouldn't I.... She wiggles her nose. The vacuum cleaner goes on and begins to travel rapidly over the rug. SAMANTHA (continued) (to the vacuum cleaner) I thought you'd agree. Now for that dusty old attic..... She exits quickly to the entry hall and upstairs. INT. ENTRY HALL 11 As Sam disappears upstairs, the front door opens, and 11 Darrin enters. DARRIN (calling) Sam, I'm home. He hears the noise of the vacuum cleaner from the living room exits to it. 12 INT. LIVING ROOM. 12 As Darrin enters. DARRIN Sam, haven't you finished vacuuming.....? The vacuum cleaner, which has been working in the dining room, now enters the living room under its own power. Darrin gapes at it. DARRIN (continued) Now that's what I call really automatic. Sam. He lunges for the machine, turns off the power. INT. STEPHENS FRONT HALL 13 Sam is hurrying down the stairs. Her clothes are covered 13 with dust. As she gets to the landing, she runs her finger along the bottom of the banister, comes up with some dust and smears it on her face as a finishing touch. She exits to the living room. INT. LIVING ROOM 14 As Samantha enters. 14 DARRIN (annoyed, gesturing at vacuum cleaner) Sam, I thought we agreed that housework was to be done in the usual manner. SAMANTHA (a little flustered) Oh, I must have left the motor on. DARRIN You also must have left detailed instructions .... (re her appearance) What happened to you? SAMANTHA I just finished cleaning the attic. It's very dusty up there. DARRIN Did you clean the attic the same way you were vacuuming the rugs? SAMANTHA Darrin, for heavens' sakes. I wanted us to have some time together and I was afraid I wouldn't finish, so I just ... 14 CONTINUED: 14 DARRIN (indicates his nose) ......a little? SAMANTHA That's right. Just a little. DARRIN By the way, where were you this morning? I called you from Larry's. SAMANTHA (avoiding answer) How is Larry? DARRIN He's fine. But where.....? SAMANTHA How was the rest of the moon shot? Did you see anything interesting? DARRIN (suspicions beginning to take form) What do you mean ... interesting? SAMANTHA I mean ... Unusual - did the astronauts see anything special? DARRIN (dead serious) Sam, what exactly did you do this morning while I was gone? SAMANTHA (beginning to get miffed) Darrin, why are you questioning me like this? DARRIN I'm not questioning you. I just want to know what you did this morning. SAMANTHA You mean minute by minute? DARRIN Any way you want to tell it. 17 14 CONTINUED: 14 SAMANTHA Well, let's see, first I cleaned the right side of the refrigerator, then I cleaned the left side of the refrigerator.... DARRIN Sam, you're deliberately not answering my question. SAMANTHA I don't like being cross examined by my own husband. She notices the wrapped package of tea still on the coffee table, snatches it up and starts to exit quickly toward the entry hall. Darrin moves after her. DARRIN (re the package) What's that? SAMANTHA (flustered again) This? Oh nothing. DARRIN Do you usually wrap up nothing in white tissue paper? SAMANTHA (now good and mad) If you must know, mother came over this morning, and we went out for a little while, to get a few things. (Darrin sags) And that's the last question I'm answering until you apologize. She starts out again, Darrin following. INT. ENTRY HALL 15 As Sam enters, fast climbs the stairs. Darrin follows to 15 the bottom of the stairs. DARRIN Please, Sam ... just one more question. Where did you go? Sam pauses, turns, hopping mad. SAMANTHA (sputtering) You really want to know where we went? I'll tell you...to ... to the MOON! She exits quickly upstairs. Darrin almost collapses against the banister. FADE OUT: 18 ACT II FADE IN: EXT. CORNER DRUG STORE (STOCK) - DAY 16 A neighborhood drug store and pharmacy. Hold to 16 establish. INT. DRUG STORE - DAY 17 The pharmacy counter. There is a display of various 17 home remedies in front of the counter. On the counter is a cash register which Max Grand, the pharmacist, is in the process of closing. Darrin, wearing the same clothes he had on at the end of Act I moves to the counter, looking somewhat surreptitious. GRAND (New York accent) How are you, Mr. Stephens. What'll it be today? Heartburn, headache, lower back pains, nasal congestion. You name it, I got something to fix it. DARRIN It's nothing like that, Mr. Grand. I want to ask you a favor. GRAND Favors I don't sell. Not a big enough mark-up. But for you, Mr. Stephens, and your lovely wife and your adorable baby with the funny name, I'll make you a present. What can I do for you? Darrin takes two envelopes out of his pocket, hands them to Grand. DARRIN Could you analyze these? GRAND Analyze? What kind of analyze? Mr. Stephens, I'm a druggist, not some kind of chemical engineer. If I was a chemist, do you think I'd be open on Sunday afternoon? 19 17 CONTINUED: (2) 17 DARRIN That's just it. All the laboratories are closed, and I'd like to find out what this stuff is as soon as possible. (leans over - whispers) It's a matter of vital importance. Grand looks at him curiously, opens one of the envelopes. GRAND Looks like dust. DARRIN (still conspiratorial) It looks like dust. But I want you to find out if it really is. GRAND (whispers also) You think maybe you're allergic?, DARRIN (a logical explanation) That's right. I'm afraid I'm allergic. GRAND And this by you is a matter of vital importance? DARRIN Look, Mr. Grand, just find out what it is. (gestures to other envelope) This one too. It's supposed to be tea. GRAND (shrugs) You're a good customer, so I'll do what I can. But I don't know about this afternoon. My wife's brother is coming in from out of town. By my wife, he's a matter of vital importance. So I'm closing the store an hour early... 20 17 CONTINUED: (3) 17 DARRIN As soon as you can, I'll stop by tomorrow morning. (starts to exit) Thank you, Mr. Grand. GRAND It's nothing... but I should warn you, Mr. Stephens... DARRIN (immediately worried) What? GRAND I don't have a security clearance. If this is subversive dust... DARRIN (weak smile) Don't - worry. It's nothing like that.. (starts out - under his breath) I hope. FLIP EXT. STEPHENS HOUSE - DAY 18 As Darrin moves up to the door, there is a note 18 pinned to it. Darrin removes it, reads: DARRIN (reading note) 'Since you insist on knowing where I am every minute of the day, I have gone to the market to pick up some things for dinner. Any further questions will have to wait until we get home.' Darrin shakes his head unhappily, enters the house. INT. LIVINGROOM - DAY 19 As Darrin enters from the entry hall. He is 19 angrily crumpling the note up into a wadded ball. 21 19 CONTINUED: (2) 19 DARRIN (to himself) This is terrible... terrible... He throws the wadded paper angrily on the floor. DARRIN (cont) I feel like an informer... a stool pigeon... spying on my own wife... He flops down on the couch, stretches out, puts his hands over his eyes. DARRIN (cont) What happens if that stuff turns out to be from the moon? What do I do then... report her to NASA? He groans, rolls over. OIL DISSOLVE INT. STEPHENS' ENTRY HALL - DAY 20 Darrin's dream. He has the door open, ready to 20 go out. Sam is clutching his coat, holding him back. SAM Darrin, you wouldn't. Not your own wife... DARRIN I must, darling. It's my duty. SAM But think of Tabatha... DARRIN Don't worry. I'll keep you and Tabatha out of it. I'm going to take full responsibility. (he breaks away) Trust me, darling. 22 20 CONTINUED: (2) 20 He exits. SAM (wailing pitifully) Darrin, Darrin... DISSOLVE: INT. NASA OFFICE - DAY 21 Still Darrin's dream. The office is bare except 21 for a desk and chair, behind which is a large photograph of the moon, the one Darrin saw on television. Two deadpan NASA officials are in the room with Darrin, one behind the desk, the other sitting on the edge of it. Darrin stands in front of the desk holding his two envelopes in his hand. He looks nervous. ED (first NASA man, behind desk) All right Stephens, what have you got that we might be interested in? We don't waste time here at NASA, you know. We're in a race to the moon with the Russians, and we're going to win it, right Frank? FRANK (second NASA MAN) Right Ed. (to Darrin) All right, Stephens, out with it. Don't try to hold out on us. DARRIN (gesturing at the envelope) It's these. But I won't give them to you unless you promise not to ask me where I got them. ED What is this, Stephens, conditions? When your country's prestige is involved? 23 21 CONTINUED: (2) 21 DARRIN I can't reveal my source. if you don't agree, no deal. FRANK (the soft sell) Mr. Stephens, I'm surprised at you. We're representatives of your government. Why should we want to pry into your private life? That's ridiculous, isn't it, Ed? ED Of course, ridiculous. Now, what's in the envelopes, Mr. Stephens? DARRIN Well... it looks like house dust and tea, but... ED House dust and tea, eh? We'll see about that. He snatches the envelopes, hands them to Frank. ED (cont) Run 'em through the lab, Frank. FRANK Right, Ed. He exits. The phone rings. Frank picks it up. ED (into phone) Hello, NASA... yes sir. (leaps to his feet stands rigidly at attention) Yes, SIR! (a beat) Uh... no, I'm afraid we won't be able to make it by then, sir... yes, sir, I realize it would be a great help to you if we could get there by election time, but.... well... the moon's a long way... MORE 24 21 CONTINUED: (3) 21 ED (cont'd) (moves the receiver away his ear, cringes) Yes, sir, I'll keep that in mind, sir... I'll think of it as a personal favor to you, sir. We'll do our best. Ed hangs up. Frank re-enters quickly, moves to the desk, throws the envelopes down. FRANK (significantly) Moon dust and lunar tea. ED All right, Stephens, that's it. Where'd you get it? DARRIN I can't tell you. FRANK Can that jazz, Stephens. You're in serious trouble. They both stare at him. Darrin looks terrified. FLIP INT. INTERROGATION ROOM - NIGHT 22 Only a straight-backed chair in which Darrin is 22 seated is visible. The rest of the room is dark, except for a bright light in Darrin's face. Ed's and Frank's voices come from the darkness ED'S VOICE Where did you get it? DARRIN I won't tell you. FRANK'S VOICE Who gave it to you? 25 CONTINUED: (2) 22 DARRIN No one. ED'S VOICE Does anyone else know about this? DARRIN No. FRANK'S VOICE You're lying. The lights go up on Larry Tate, standing in front of Darrin. Ed and Frank each grip Larry by one arm. ED (to Larry) What did you tell him? TATE I said it was his patriotic duty to go to the authorities and tell them everything he knows. (to Darrin) Tell them, Darrin. DARRIN I can't. TATE They won't let me watch the golf tournament unless you tell them. Lights out on Tate, Ed, and Frank. ED'S VOICE It's no good trying to worm out of it. We know all about you, Stephens. We have an account of your activities, hour by hour. Lights up on Mr. Grand, in the same position as Tate was, with Ed and Frank holding on to his arms. GRAND Listen, I'm a simple, neighborhood druggist who has to stay open on Sunday afternoons... FRANK Never mind about that. What about him? 26 22 CONTINUED: (3) 22 GRAND Such a nice man, with a lovely wife and an adorable daughter with a funny name. Who could know he was a spy? Lights out on Grand, Ed and Frank. ED'S VOICE Wife? What does your wife know about this? DARRIN Nothing. I swear to you, she has nothing to do with it. FRANK'S VOICE Then where did you get it? DARRIN I refuse to answer on the grounds that it might tend to incriminate my wife. ED'S VOICE Aha! She is involved. Bring her in, Frank. FRANK'S VOICE Right, Ed. DARRIN (yells) NOOOOOO!!!!! FLIP INT. LINEUP ROOM - DAY 23 Just a blank wall with height chart, in front of 23 which Sam stands with a bright light in her eyes. ED'S VOICE All right, Stephens. Who is this woman? 27 23 CONTINUED: (2) 23 DARRIN'S VOICE I never saw her before in my life. FRANK'S VOICE Next. Sam POPS OUT. Endora POPS IN. ED'S VOICE How about this one. DARRIN'S VOICE HER, I've seen. FLIP INT. JAIL CELL - NIGHT 24 All we see are some bars. Samantha is behind them, 24 Darrin in front. SAM (sadly) Darrin, how could you? What will happen to Tabatha? DARRIN Sam, Sam I'm sorry. I tried to protect you. They wormed it out of me. SAM We only went for a little while. Mother wanted to buy some tea. ENDORA POPS IN at Darrin's side, outside the bars. ENDORA (to Sam) You see? You wouldn't listen to me. This is what comes of marrying a mortal. They're nosy, suspicious... always wanting to know what you're doing, every minute of the day. 28 24 CONTINUED: (2) 24 SAM You were right, mother. I have to admit it. He WAS suspicious. He DID question me. DARRIN No!!! No!!! ED'S VOICE All right, Mrs. Stephens. It's time. FRANK'S VOICE Come along, Mrs. Stephens. It's time. SAM (pleading) Not yet ... please... just a few minutes more. ED'S VOICE NASA can't wait, Mrs. Stephens. We're in a race. It's time, DARRIN (yelling) Leave her alone. It's my fault. ENDORA For once you're right, Dagwood ... It's your fault. Sam begins backing up, fading away into the darkness. SAM (voice getting softer) Darrin... Darrin.... Darrin... Darrin. OIL DISSOLVE 29 INT. STEPHENS LIVINGROOM - NIGHT 25 Darrin is lying on the sofa, tossing around in the toils 25 of his nightmare. Sam stands over him, nudging his shoulder. SAM Darrin...Darrin...wake up. DARRIN (in his sleep; moaning) No ... no...leave her alone. It's my fault. (opens his eyes; reacts to Sam) Sam! You're here. They didn't take you. SAM Who? DARRIN The NASA men. SAM NASA men? ... that's a new one. Are they anything like bogeymen? (sits beside him) Relax, darling. You were having a nightmare. DARRIN (sits up; shakes his head) Whew...where's Tabatha? SAM Upstairs in bed. She was exhausted. What were you dreaming about? DARRIN The space agency...they were giving me the third degree about where I got the moon dust. SAM Moon dust? DARRIN And then your mother was there, and Larry Tate, and Grand... (remembers; horrified) GRAND!! SAM Who's Grand? 30 25 CONTINUED: DARRIN 25 Mr. Grand, the druggist. I gave him the dust and the tea to be analyzed. He gets up, begins to pace, very disturbed. Sam looks very puzzled. DARRIN (cont'd) Why did you have to go to the moon? Especially right after we talked about it. SAM Darrin, are you sure you're awake? DARRIN All right, Sam...cut it out. I know all about it. This morning, while I was at Larry Tate's, you and your mother went to the moon. You came back here covered with moon dust with a package of lunar tea. SAM Darrin, I'm worried about you. DARRIN (pointing an accusatory finger) Did you, or did you not tell me this morning that you had been to the moon many times...that... that you had been on picnics there? SAM Oh for heavens' sake. DARRIN And later, when I came back from Larry's, and I asked you where you had been, did you not say, and I quote, 'to the moon'? SAM If I'd told you I'd been to the North Star, would you have believed that too? I was kidding. 31 25 CONTINUED: (2) DARRIN 25 Sam...believe me...I have not suddenly gone spooky. When other women...mortal women... say they've been to the moon, you figure, okay...figure of speech. But when you say it, that's something else altogether. And then when I saw the dust ... and the tea...the tea was green, remember. SAM Darrin...all Japanese tea is green. DARRIN (going right on) And then you said you and your mother went out... (stops) Japanese? What's Japan got to do with this? SAM That's where I went this morning. You see, mother came over and sort of insisted I go shopping with her. Well, it was Sunday here and all the stores are closed, so we went to Japan where it was still Saturday. That's all there was to it. DARRIN And you expect me to believe that? SAM You believe I went to the moon, but you won't believe I went to Japan? DARRIN But why were you so evasive when I asked you where you'd been? SAM Because I felt guilty about going when I had so much housework to do, and besides, I know how you feel about my going with mother on her little expeditions. 32 25 CONTINUED: (3) 25 DARRIN But you said you'd been to the moon. SAM That was because I was annoyed with you for asking so many questions. DARRIN (immense relief) Then you haven't been to the moon? SAM (dry) Not recently, no. DARRIN (warningly) Sam... SAM (raising right hand) Darrin, I swear and affirm that I did not leave the earth today. Darrin swoops down, pulls Sam up into his arms, hugs her delightedly. DARRIN Darling, that's marvelous. I don't even care that I made a fool of myself giving Mr. Grand plain old ordinary house dust to analyze. SAM (laughing; in his arms) Poor Mr. Grand. I'll bet he thinks you're spooky. DARRIN (laughing) Ordinary house dust and ordinary Japanese tea. SAM Uh ... Darrin? (he lets her go) It's not exactly ordinary Japanese tea. 33 25 CONTINUED: (4) 25 DARRIN What do you mean? SAM (hesitant) Well...you see ... mother knows this Japanese herbalist, and he's...it's warlock's tea. Darrin sinks down on the couch. DARRIN Then... then Mr. Grand won't be able to analyze it. He'll think... I don't know what he'll think. Sam sits down with him. SAM I don't think there's anything to worry about. He'll just think it's something he's never heard of, and that'll be the end of it. DARRIN (partially reassured) I guess you're right. The phone rings. Darrin answers it. DARRIN (into phone) Hello. Oh hello, Mr. Grand... Sam and Darrin exchange looks. INT. DRUGSTORE - NIGHT 26 Grand is on the phone near the cash register. INTERCUT with 26 the Stephens' livingroom. GRAND Mr. Stephens...about that ... ah... matter of national importance... the stuff that looks like house dust...it is housedust. No microfilm, no nothing. Just housedust... DARRIN (relieved) Oh., well thanks for your trouble, Mr. Grand... 34 26 CONTINUED: 26 GRAND But the other stuff...that looks like tea... DARRIN (quickly) Mr. Grand, that was a mistake. It IS tea ... GRAND That's where you're wrong. I put it through every test I got, and there's something in there that is definitely not tea. DARRIN (worried) It doesn't matter. It's probably just a rare blend you're not familiar with. GRAND I even gave it to my bother-in- law to look at. The one from Nassau... He pronounces it NASA. Darrin looks horrified. DARRIN NASA?! Your brother-in-law's from NASA? GRAND Yeah. He's in town for the weekend...with the kids. He thinks you ought to take it to a chemist. DARRIN Mr. Grand, I don't want you to do another thing. Just forget about it. You've gone to enough trouble... GRAND No trouble at all. We've got to walk by your place on the way home, so we'll drop it off. See you in a few minutes. He hangs up. 35 INT. STEPHENS LIVINGROOM 27 Darrin hangs up, turns to Sam. 27 DARRIN Sam, I want you to go upstairs immediately. And don't come down until they're gone. SAM (puzzled) What for? DARRIN Don't ask questions. Just do what I say. Don't worry. I got you into this, and I'll get you out. SAM Darrin, there's nothing to worry about. Why should a man who works for NASA be interested in tea? DARRIN It's not just tea. It's warlock's tea. What if he insists on our having it analyzed by a real chemist? SAM Oh...Mr. Watanabe wouldn't like that. It's his secret formula. DARRIN (getting a bit hysterical) Who cares about Mr. Watanabe's secret formula? It's a witches brew, and that means it's got something in it no laboratory in the world is going to be able to analyze. Don't you see what that could mean? SAM (beat) You're right. There IS something to worry about. And I think I know a way out of it. FLIP TO: 36 INT. STEPHENS ENTRY HALL - NIGHT 28 Sam has her hand on the doorknob. Darrin is right behind 28 her, looking very nervous. DARRIN (whispers) Sam, I wish you'd go upstairs and let me handle this. SAM (also low) It'll sound more logical coming from me. Cross your fingers. She opens the door, revealing Grand and ANOTHER MAN, Grand's brother-in-law. He is tall and somewhat grim-faced. SAM (quickly) Mr. Grand, I feel just terrible about all the trouble we've put you to ... especially since it was all a mistake. You see, my mother is very fond of home remedies. You know how old-fashioned some mothers are. Well, when she found out that Darrin is allergic to house dust, she insisted on giving him some of her favorite remedy. She said it was a special kind of tea, but Darrin is suspicious of home remedies anyway, so that's why he took it to you to be analyzed. Now it turns out it isn't tea at all. I just spoke to my mother and she admitted that it's a special blend of herbs and spices that she got from a Japanese herbalist. I guess they make some pretty strange concoctions... HARRY (the brother-in-law) Lady, this stuff is more than strange... He is holding the envelope and gestures with it as he talks. Sam quickly twitches. A sudden gust of wind comes up and blows the envelope out of Harry's hand. It drops to the ground and the tea all blows away. HARRY (cont'd) Hey, what happened? There's no wind tonight. 37 28 CONTINUED: 28 SAM It comes up suddenly sometimes, doesn't it? (re the envelope) What a shame! That was the last of it too. GRAND Mr. and Mrs. Stephens, this is my brother-in-law, Harry Kahn from Nassau. (sounds like NASA) Harry How do you do. ..You mean you don't have any more? SAM I'm sorry. You'll just have to tell them down at the space agency. HARRY What space agency? I own a string of cut-rate drug stores. SAM (puzzled) I thought you were from NASA. HARRY Sure, Nassau County, Long Island. (Darrin sags visibly; Harry stares at him) Hey, what's the matter with him? SAM It must be the allergy. Night air, you know. Very bad. Well, thanks again, Mr. Grand. Nice to have met you, Mr. Kahn. Good-night. They look very puzzled as Sam Shuts the door, turns to Darrin. SAM Darrin, are you all right? Come inside. I'll fix you a cup of tea. DARRIN (loud) No. No tea. CONTINUED: 38 28 CONTINUED: (2) 28 DARRIN (cont'd) (smiles; puts his arms around her) How about a moonlight cocktail instead? FADE OUT: FADE IN: INT. STEPHENS BEDROOM - NIGHT 29 Sam, in a negligee, is standing by the window, staring 29 outside. Darrin enters in pajamas. SAM (over her shoulder) Darling, come over here. You can see the lady in the moon. DARRIN (moving to her) You mean the man in the moon. SAM How do you know it's a man? DARRIN Everyone knows it's a man. Just look at it. SAM (shrugs) Could be a lady. DARRIN (hesitant) Sam...there's something I've been meaning to ask you...you said before that you hadn't been to the moon today. But you didn't say that you'd never been to the moon. SAM (noncommittal) Mmm. DARRIN Well ... have you? 39 29 CONTINUED: 29 SAM Have I what? DARRIN Been to the moon...ever? SAM (turning to him) Darling, you don't want to know everything about me, do you? Then I wouldn't be mysterious and alluring anymore. Besides, there are some things a wife should never tell her husband. And whether or not she's been to the moon is one of them. She kisses him, but he looks vaguely dissatisfied. FADE OUT: THE END
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